Chapter 4: Living With Shame and Silence

Anxiety Disorders and Panic Attacks do not develop over a single crisis in life. They often stem from deeply rooted experiences, shaped by the environments and beliefs we grow up with. For me, the foundation was laid in a world where silence and shame were powerful forces. The strict gender roles, rigid moral codes, and unspoken rules of my conservative religious community planted the seeds of disconnection and fear. These expectations didn’t just dictate my outward behavior; they shaped how I saw myself and how I interacted with the world.

This chapter explores how the suppression of natural emotions, the silence around sexuality, and the weight of living a double life became the roots of my anxiety. These early experiences taught me to hide, to suppress, and to judge myself harshly—creating a cycle of shame and vigilance that followed me into adulthood. By tracing these roots, I hope to shed light on how deeply ingrained expectations can shape us and highlight the importance of addressing the underlying causes of anxiety for true healing.

Growing up in a deeply conservative religious community, the roles of men and women were rigidly defined and tightly enforced. Boys and girls were separated early, their interactions limited to what was deemed absolutely necessary. This division wasn’t just a matter of tradition; it was instilled as a moral imperative. From a young age, I learned that crossing these invisible boundaries was not only discouraged but outright forbidden, framed as a breach of decorum or, worse, a moral failing.

This separation wasn’t confined to public spaces; it reached into the fabric of my private world, shaping how I thought about myself and others. Gender segregation became the lens through which I viewed relationships, interactions, and my own identity. It was a constant reminder that even the most innocent connections carried risk. This strict division planted the seed of unease, making me hyper-aware of every interaction with the opposite sex.

As I entered adolescence, the natural curiosity and emotions that come with growing up clashed violently with the teachings of my community. Sexuality was not a topic of discussion; it was shrouded in silence, fear, and shame. Desires and feelings were treated as sinful distractions, threats to purity that needed to be controlled or suppressed.

But feelings cannot be erased; they persist. For me, they became a source of intense guilt and inner conflict. Every thought, every flicker of curiosity, felt like a failure. I was burdened by the belief that even these private, uncontrollable feelings were evidence of my moral weakness. Each moment of desire was met with a crushing wave of shame, a voice in my head whispering that I was not good enough, not pure enough, not worthy enough.

Instead of finding a safe space to explore or understand these emotions, I learned to hide them. My thoughts became secrets, locked away where no one could judge me. Yet, in this hiding, I became isolated—not just from others but from myself.

This shame and secrecy extended far beyond my adolescence. By the time I reached adulthood, I had perfected the art of living two separate lives. Outwardly, I conformed to the expectations of my community, presenting myself as a devout, obedient member of the faith. Inwardly, I wrestled with feelings and desires that I could not reconcile with the ideals I was supposed to uphold.

This double life created a constant undercurrent of anxiety. I was always on guard, terrified that my true self might slip through the cracks and be exposed. The fear of judgment was paralyzing, reinforcing the belief that I could never truly belong—not in my community, not in my family, and not even within myself.

Each day felt like walking a tightrope, balancing the image I needed to maintain with the emotions I needed to suppress. The tension of this balancing act seeped into every aspect of my life, leaving me exhausted and deeply disconnected.

The shame I carried wasn’t confined to my thoughts about sexuality; it permeated every part of my identity. It wasn’t just about what I did or didn’t do—it was about who I was. The message I internalized was clear: there was something fundamentally flawed about me, something that needed to be hidden, controlled, or fixed.

This shame became a powerful force, shaping my interactions with others and my relationship with myself. I became hyper-aware of how I was perceived, constantly monitoring my words and actions to ensure they aligned with the expectations placed on me. Every interaction felt like a test, every mistake like a confirmation of my unworthiness.

The weight of this shame was suffocating. It robbed me of the ability to connect authentically with others, as I was too afraid of being judged or rejected. It also robbed me of the ability to connect with myself, as I had internalized the belief that my true self was something to be hidden away.

The strict expectations around gender and sexuality in my community left little room for individuality or exploration. Every aspect of life was governed by a rigid moral code, one that demanded perfection and punished deviation. For me, this created a cycle of suppression and self-judgment that was impossible to escape.

I learned to monitor myself constantly, avoiding situations that might expose my feelings or lead to judgment. I became skilled at presenting a façade, one that conformed to the ideals of my community while hiding the parts of myself that didn’t fit. But this constant vigilance came at a cost.

The energy required to maintain this double life was draining. It left me in a state of constant tension, as if I was always on the verge of being “found out.” This tension fed into my anxiety, creating a feedback loop that reinforced my fears and insecurities.

Looking back, I can see how these early experiences with gender roles, sexuality, and shame shaped my journey with anxiety. The strict expectations and the fear of judgment taught me to suppress my emotions, to hide my true self, and to live in a state of constant vigilance.

These lessons weren’t just external—they became internalized beliefs that governed how I saw myself and the world. The shame I carried wasn’t just about what I did; it was about who I was. And that shame became a powerful force, shaping every aspect of my identity and my relationships.

By sharing this chapter of my story, I hope to shed light on the profound impact of shame and suppression, not as a means of placing blame but as a way of understanding how these experiences shape us. For anyone who has felt trapped by expectations or burdened by shame, I want to say: you are not alone, and it is possible to break free.

The roots of anxiety are often buried in silence—unspoken expectations, suppressed emotions, and the heavy weight of shame. Growing up in a community where conformity was demanded and deviation was judged, I learned to monitor myself constantly, hiding the parts of me that didn’t fit. This suppression of my true self created a cycle of disconnection and fear, leaving me trapped in a double life that fed into my anxiety.

Looking back, I see how the rigid boundaries of gender roles and the silence around natural human emotions left a lasting impact. The lessons of shame and self-judgment weren’t just external rules; they became internalized beliefs that shaped my identity and relationships. Healing began when I started to confront these deeply rooted causes—when I gave myself permission to question, to feel, and to speak.

By sharing this chapter, I hope to illuminate the impact of shame and silence, not as a means of blame but as a way to foster understanding. For anyone burdened by these same forces, know that the roots of anxiety can be uncovered, and healing is possible when we begin to live authentically and free of the weight of shame.

This chapter highlights the deeply ingrained roots of anxiety disorders stemming from the silence, shame, and rigid expectations within a conservative environment. These foundational elements include:

1. Moral Rigidity: Strictly defined and enforced expectations around gender created a sense of limitation and disconnection from natural interactions.

2. Social Fear: Early separation of boys and girls reinforced a hyper-awareness of interactions and an internalized fear of crossing boundaries.

3. Internalized Guilt: Silence Around Sexuality and the taboo surrounding natural emotions and desires led to suppression, misunderstanding, and deep-seated guilt.

4. Internalized Shame: A pervasive sense of unworthiness developed from the belief that natural thoughts or feelings were moral failings.

5. Fear of Judgment: A constant concern about being judged or failing to meet expectations, leading to hyper-vigilance in behavior and self-presentation.

6. Living a Double Life: The need to maintain an outwardly acceptable image while concealing internal struggles created disconnection and anxiety.

7. Suppression of Authentic Self: The belief that true feelings or desires were unacceptable fostered a sense of self-rejection and internal conflict.

8. Cycle of Self-Judgment: Persistent self-criticism rooted in an inability to meet unrealistic moral and social standards.

9. Pressure to Conform: The demand for perfection within the community left little room for individuality or self-expression.

10. Isolation from Self and Others: The combined effects of shame and secrecy created barriers to authentic relationships and a sense of loneliness.

11. Fear of Exposure: The constant tension of maintaining a façade and the anxiety of being “found out” reinforced feelings of insecurity.

12. Emotional Suppression: A learned habit of suppressing emotions to align with community expectations, leaving unresolved feelings to fester.

These roots intertwine to create a foundation for anxiety, illustrating the profound impact of silence, shame, and rigid societal norms on mental health.