As therapists move through the stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we engage in three primary tasks that guide our interventions:
- Creating and maintaining the therapeutic alliance
- Accessing and reformulating emotions
- Restructuring interactions
Each of these tasks is essential in helping couples break free from their negative cycles, access deeper emotions, and create new, secure patterns of relating. Our interventions must remain rooted in these three goals to ensure that therapy remains attachment-focused, experiential, and transformational.
1. Building & Maintaining the Therapeutic Alliance
The therapeutic alliance is the foundation of all therapy, but in EFT, it is particularly crucial. We are asking clients to move into deep emotional vulnerability, a process that requires immense trust and safety.
What We Do as Therapists:
- Establish a secure, nonjudgmental space where both partners feel heard.
- Track their emotional and relational dynamics with curiosity rather than judgment.
- Model attunement and responsiveness, just as we want them to do with each other.
- Help them see the negative cycle as the enemy, not each other.
A strong alliance allows us to guide clients through distress and into emotional connection. Without it, partners will struggle to access their emotions safely, remain defensive, and resist the vulnerability needed for change.
2. Accessing & Reformulating Emotions
Why Emotion is Central in EFT
EFT is an experiential model, meaning we work in the here and now, helping partners access and reshape emotions in real-time. The goal is to:
• Access emotions that pull partners closer together rather than push them apart.
• Uncover unexpressed emotions that have been buried under reactive behaviors.
• Bring out the vulnerable emotions hidden beneath anger, defensiveness, or avoidance.
This work happens on two levels:
The Two Levels of Emotion in EFT
1. Secondary Emotions (Reactive Emotions)
These are the surface-level emotions that emerge as fast, unconscious responses to attachment threats. When a partner feels disconnected, they react automatically, often before even recognizing what is happening internally.
Examples of Secondary Emotions:
- Anger
- Frustration
- Defensiveness
- Numbness/Shutting Down
- Criticism
These secondary emotions act as protective shields, covering deeper emotions that are harder to express.
2. Primary Emotions (Vulnerable Emotions)
Beneath these reactive responses are primary attachment emotions—the real drivers of the negative cycle. If partners cannot safely express these emotions, they twist into secondary emotions that trigger disconnection.
Examples of Primary Emotions:
- Fear of rejection or abandonment
- Shame or feeling unworthy
- Longing for closeness
- Feeling unseen or unimportant
For example, beneath a husband’s anger at his wife may be a deep fear of failing her. Beneath a wife’s criticism may be a desperate need for reassurance that she is loved.
As therapists, we must slow the process down and help partners recognize, feel, and express these emotions within the session.
Reformulating Emotions in the Here and Now
Why Reformulation Matters
Recognizing an emotion is not enough—we must help partners reprocess it in a way that creates new meaning. This process is not about intellectual insight; it is about feeling the emotion differently in the session itself.
How We Guide Clients Through Reformulation:
- Identify the Negative Cycle – The couple recognizes the pattern of emotional disconnection.
- Move Beyond Intellectual Awareness – It is not enough for a client to say, “I guess I feel insecure sometimes.” They must experience that insecurity and express it in a new way.
- Stay in the Emotion – We encourage staying with vulnerability rather than retreating to old patterns of anger or avoidance.
- Reprocess & Give New Meaning – Through naming and sharing, the emotion shifts and takes on a new meaning.
Example of Reformulation in Session:
• A wife, previously critical of her husband, experiences her sadness rather than expressing frustration.
• She shares: “When I feel like you’re distant, I panic inside because I’m afraid you don’t really need me.”
• Her husband, instead of shutting down, feels the impact of her words and sees her pursuit differently—not as criticism, but as a bid for connection.
Through this process, partners understand their own behaviors better, gain new insight into their partner’s behaviors, and begin to respond in new ways.
3. Restructuring Interactions: The Therapist as Choreographer
Once emotions are accessed and reprocessed, we restructure how partners interact. At this stage, we take an active role in shaping new interactions, helping couples:
✅ Take new emotional risks with each other.
✅ Develop a new dance where vulnerability replaces reactivity.
✅ Create safety and security in their bond.
How We Do This in Therapy:
1. Track & Reflect Their Current Cycle – We help them see their old pattern of disconnection clearly.
2. Reframe the Pattern Through an Attachment Lens – Instead of viewing each other as angry, distant, or unloving, they begin to see these reactions as protective responses to attachment fears.
3. Shape & Restructure New Interactions – As partners begin to share their emotions in a new way, they start to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness.
4. Create Safety for Deeper Vulnerability – As emotional risks are rewarded with connection rather than rejection, partners feel safer being open.
Example of Restructuring in Session:
Before Restructuring:
• Husband: “You always want to talk about emotions, and I just can’t do that.”
• Wife: “You don’t care about me at all!”
After Restructuring:
• Husband: “I don’t always know what to say, but I want to be here for you. I get scared I’ll say the wrong thing.”
• Wife: “I don’t need perfect words—I just need to know you care.”
At this point, the couple begins a new pattern of emotional engagement, where partners:
• Recognize when they are getting caught in the cycle.
• Express attachment fears and needs directly rather than through criticism or withdrawal.
• Respond to each other with emotional openness and attunement.
This shift in interaction is the heart of EFT—as new patterns emerge, the relationship becomes a secure base where partners feel safe, valued, and emotionally connected.
