The Structure of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Three Stages & Nine Steps

A Guide for Therapists

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, provides a structured approach to helping couples move from distress and disconnection to a secure and lasting emotional bond. EFT is organized into three stages and nine steps, guiding couples through a process of de-escalation, restructuring their emotional responses, and consolidating their new relational patterns.

This article will provide an overview of EFT’s structured approach and help therapists understand how to navigate each stage effectively.

The first stage of EFT focuses on de-escalating the couple’s negative interactional cycle. The goal is to create safety—both with the therapist and between the partners—so they can begin to recognize the attachment distress underlying their conflict.

Key objectives in this stage:

• Establishing safety and trust in the therapeutic relationship.

• Helping the couple understand their negative cycle, the “dance” they repeatedly get stuck in when under attachment distress.

• Identifying attachment threats—the fears and insecurities that drive disconnection.

• Making implicit emotional responses explicit so couples can recognize the deeper needs fueling their conflict.

A full de-escalation process allows partners to step out of their defensive reactions and see each other’s pain and longing more clearly, setting the stage for deeper emotional engagement.

Once the negative cycle has been de-escalated, second-order change begins. This stage focuses on helping partners develop new, automatic ways of responding to each other. Instead of reacting with criticism or withdrawal, they learn to turn toward each other for comfort, support, and reassurance.

The key goal in this stage is:

• Helping each partner reveal deeper, previously hidden emotions and needs to their partner.

• Encouraging the other partner to accept and respond to these vulnerable emotions.

• Facilitating new emotional interactions that create a secure attachment bond.

Through this process, partners learn to replace old patterns of conflict with new, bonding experiences of responsiveness and care.

By the time couples reach this stage, they have developed a more secure bond. The final step is consolidating their progress and applying their new relational patterns to real-life challenges.

Key objectives in this stage:

• Revisiting previously unsolvable conflicts and seeing if they can now be approached from a place of security.

• Helping couples sustain their newfound connection outside of therapy.

• Assisting them in creating a new narrative—a shared story of how they overcame past struggles together.

The goal of consolidation is for couples to leave therapy with a strong, secure emotional bond that continues to deepen over time.

Each stage of EFT consists of specific steps that guide the couple through the process of repairing their relationship.

Stage One: Assessment & De-escalation (Steps 1-4)

• Establish trust with both partners.

• Identify the presenting issue and reframe it through an attachment lens—understanding the emotional pain underneath the conflict.

• Recognize the couple’s repetitive “dance”—the automatic ways they react to each other when they feel emotionally threatened.

• Help partners see that the cycle is the enemy, not each other.

• It keeps the attachment distress front and center.

• It allows therapists to intervene at the root of the problem, rather than just addressing surface-level conflicts.

• Explore the deeper fears and insecurities driving each partner’s reactions.

• Shift from secondary emotions (anger, frustration) to primary emotions (fear, sadness, loneliness).

• Help the couple recognize their conflict in a new light:

• Instead of “You’re always criticizing me,” → “I feel scared that I’m not enough for you.”

• Instead of “You never talk to me,” → “I feel alone, and I don’t know how to reach you.”

• Once partners accept this reframe, they can begin working together to stop their negative cycle.

Stage Two: Restructuring the Bond (Steps 5-7)

• Assist partners in exploring emotions they have long ignored or suppressed.

• These deeper emotions often relate to past attachment wounds and fears of rejection.

Example:

• A partner who withdraws may begin to recognize that they avoid conflict because they are afraid of being inadequate or failing their partner.

• A critical partner may discover that their anger is fueled by a deep fear of abandonment.

This step allows couples to express their true emotional experiences rather than reacting defensively.

• The other partner is encouraged to respond to these newfound emotions with understanding and support.

• This step is essential for healing old attachment wounds and building trust.

• Teach partners to ask for what they need from a place of vulnerability, rather than through criticism or withdrawal.

Example:

• Instead of: “You never care about me!”

• Say: “When I feel unsure about us, I need to hear that you love me and that I matter to you.”

This step transforms conflict into connection, reinforcing the new attachment bond.

• First, the withdrawn partner goes through steps 5-7 (Withdrawer Engagement).

• Then, the pursuing partner goes through steps 5-7.

By the end of Stage Two, both partners have learned to recognize, accept, and respond to each other’s deepest emotional needs.

Stage Three: Consolidation (Steps 8-9)

• Now that the couple feels emotionally secure, they revisit old issues (sex, parenting, finances).

• The therapist focuses on how they handle the conversation, not the specific solutions.

Key Distinction:

• Process (how they argue) vs. Content (what they argue about).

• A secure couple can now stay engaged in difficult conversations without escalating into their negative cycle.

• The couple reflects on their journey:

• “We used to fight all the time, but now we turn to each other.”

• “We understand each other in ways we never did before.”

• This new narrative solidifies their secure bond and helps them maintain connection outside of therapy.

Therapists often wonder how to navigate the EFT process in real-time, especially during the emotional chaos of Stage One. Here’s how to stay oriented:

1. It’s Not Strictly Linear – While EFT has a step-by-step structure, therapists cycle through earlier steps as needed.

2. Check the Alliance – The therapeutic alliance is ongoing—even in later stages, therapists continue building trust and assessing safety.

3. Focus on the Objective – Instead of rigidly following steps, therapists focus on the current goal (e.g., de-escalation, restructuring, or consolidation).

Like a skilled jazz musician, experienced EFT therapists internalize the structure and adapt fluidly to each couple’s needs while maintaining attunement and emotional connection.

EFT is a powerful, structured approach that helps couples move from distress to deep connection. By following these three stages and nine steps, therapists can guide couples toward lasting emotional security.